By Michael Kline
Confession: For much of the last year, I was feeling sad, drained, and sometimes even depressed. Silly me, I thought I was beyond that. Turns out, I’m still really, really, human. I would frequently drop back into that old habit of over-thinking everything, getting frustrated, confused, and angry and then feel guilty for not just being as happy as I should be. After beating myself up for beating myself up, I would remind myself that I know better, then I’d regurgitate the same crap over again.
Then a friend invited me to spend a week in Costa Rica at Rythmia Life Advancement Center. Primarily to do a week of Ayahuasca journeys for self-healing, reflection, growing, purging, connecting and whatever else was meant to happen. I said yes - partly because I love and trust this group of friends, and partly because I learned that when something scares me, I should lean into it. I’m so glad I did.
Now that I’m home, I feel overwhelmed, but instead of overwhelmed with bad news, uncertainty, and frustration, I am overwhelmed with gratitude, love, peace, excitement, calm, confidence, and joy. My entire body is giggling with child-like wonder and excitement. My mind feels clear for the first time in many months. I feel eager to step into life, like I just met someone new and fell head-over-heals in love. I did. I met myself and I love me, like never before.
I discovered that somewhere in my human evolution, I had become a person who lived in constant fear and who felt he didn’t deserve love. I have done many brave things and many lovely things to convince my ego that I was brave, courageous, loving, and lovable. However, nothing less than the total truth is acceptable when you sit with Mother Ayahuasca. And the truth is, I was living in fear and feeling unlovable for my entire life. This week, Mother Aya merged me back to my true soul and healed my heart. I got my miracle!
If you’re thinking you want this, I’ll warn you, Club Med, this ain’t! This was not an ordinary transformational vacation; it was a rebirth. It was all-inclusive, which means it includes both beautiful heaven and hell experiences. It was a physical and energetic cleanse so deep I could feel my entire body - heart beat and breath in sync with all of nature, like I am an instrument playing in the Pachamama orchestra. I feel a love so deep, when it first came over me, all I could do was shake and cry until I laughed and cried some more.
Now that I’m home, I looked at the grass and the sky and the trees this morning on my walk and greeted them all like the old friends they are. We know each other. We have played together and cried together and worked together and love each other. Yes, I sound like I’ve been drinking the Kool-Aid, and I have. I can tell you, the Kool-Aid tastes like shit in one cup and like a dream mocha latte the next. Like everything on this journey, maybe it’s another metaphor for life.
If you read this far, and you want a little of what I’m having, feel free to reach out, I’m happy to share what I can if it is helpful to you. For me, I just feel a need to share some bits of my journey of healing and growing.